Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
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but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
$4 #usedbooks
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*