brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
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The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird