I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
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ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window