When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary