Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
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The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!