Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
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how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
how many bears make up a bear minimum
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms