My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
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Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Van Gone
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?