Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
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“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
We decided to have money instead of children.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.