me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
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[at funeral] You really had to see him live
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”