Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
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Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.