Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
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wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.