my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
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HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Nice try, poison.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king