4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
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Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
I put the mess in domestic.
Happy thanksgiving
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
“That’s what” – She
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive