[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
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[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
me hooking up with my ex
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*