Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
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[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move