Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
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*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
☺️
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Ken is short for chicken
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.