I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
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[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.