blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
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me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
What’s a Messi?
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do