Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
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Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Meowchelangelo
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.