18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
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student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Ironic
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
They’re really bad with fonts.
それは草
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.