Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
You Might Also Like
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Become a minion. Get that bread.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Tier 3 meme
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
dream blunt rotation
My plans: 2020:
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan