Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
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Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job