I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
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I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?