Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
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So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Most fashion shows these days…
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
I unironically love this joke.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.