triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
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when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*