Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
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It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.