No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
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If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Bike is short for Bichael.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you