Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
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The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above