If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 馃檪
You Might Also Like
Accountant: So you didn鈥檛 have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You鈥檒l owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Well, this explains it:
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
date: I think we鈥檝e actually met before
picasso: sorry I鈥檓 not good with faces
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
As a child I thought that growing up I鈥檇 be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
interviewer: what鈥檚 the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it鈥檚 my calm demeanor
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 馃檹
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
IT鈥橲 NOT A PHASE, DAD
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can鈥檛 even understand the direct ones.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*