Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
You Might Also Like
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.