Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
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He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.