I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
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I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”