i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
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I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
My dad teaching me to drive
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.