Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
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I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Sniffing the broccoli