‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
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ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.