High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
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The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
“How’s your day going?”
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
japanese corn
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE