my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
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merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem