I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
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My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
new shirt idea
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food