My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
You Might Also Like
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries