I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
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IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.