My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
You Might Also Like
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
man: wait
time: no
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”