90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
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They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out