Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
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Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Yup.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.