Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
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If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
when mom throws a party…
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
I am yelling
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder