Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
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“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.