The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
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Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
My wife has the worst taste in men.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?