Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
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Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
The Struggle
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.