Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
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Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.