{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
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a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
men are simple creatures
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML