They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
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Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
*me flirting
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
shit just got real
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”